Anxiety in relationships

Experiencing anxiety in relationships can be really challenging and debilitating. Can we regulate anxiety whilst trying to have a fulfilling relationship? We certainly can.

Anxiety is a common emotion amongst humans, because at its core, its function is to detect threats and danger and therefore protect us. Anxiety keeps us alert. There is a very natural level of anxiety that we need - to be cautious. But then there is another level of anxiety that can debilitate us, as it becomes a disproportionate response to our environment and reality.

In a relationship, anxiety can manifest in a way that challenges the dynamics between two people, leading to many things such as communication breakdown, distance/withdrawal, sexual difficulties and more.

What threat does anxiety respond to in a relationship?

Anxiety may impact a relationship through a secondary function; for example, the person might be anxious about something outside of the relationship but has residue effects on the relationship. So, the anxiety is not related to the relationship per se.

Anxiety might also manifest as a direct response to the relationship. So, what threats or fears might the anxiety be connecting to? Here are a couple of the primary responses of anxiety:

1. Fear of abandonment/fear of rejection: this is a pervasive and irrational worry that the people you love will leave you. Often this can be linked back to early attachment styles where we may have experiencd attaching to our primary caregivers as traumatic. This can manifest as the anxious attachment style. In line with the attachment theory, our bonds formed with our caregivers will go onto impact our expectations in adult relationships. This can result in clinginess, intolerance of being alone, enmeshment/codependency with our partners, difficulty trusting, reassurance seeking, testing our partners, low self-esteem (feeling unworthy). Therefore, we literally fear being abandoned by our partners!

2. Feeling that we are not "enough": this is the low-self esteem part. People may enter relationships with a low self-esteem, which is about the sense of who they are as a human being. Often people with low self-esteem hold negative core beliefs about themselves such as "I am unlovable", "I am not enough", "I am broken", "I am undesirable". People with low self-esteem can be incredibly self-critical and doubtful. In a relationships this can manifest as people-pleasing, self-sabotaging behaviours - all because they feel "less than".

3. Infidelity/trust issues: anxiety may also be responding to a previous event in a relationship that ruptured trust, i.e. a betrayal of some sort such as infidelity. Therefore, this will lead to radical doubts about whether the person is trustworthy or not. This happens when the betrayal has not been effectively worked through in order to regain and build trust all over again. Hence the person may be in constant dread about the relationship.

When anxiety is not managed or regulated, it can get out of control, leading to chronic or profound spiralling, gradually rupturing further the foundations of trust, safety and communication that relationships need to be built on.

Anxiety can be managed a regulated in relationships.

Communication is the cornerstone of every relationship, and it has to also be in regulating anxiety in relationships. Good communication means being able to first identify what one is feeling/thinking, then be able to safely articulate it to the other. This also means we need an empathic partner who will listen to what we have to express. This is a two-way mechanism.

Understanding ones anxiety and what the root origin of it is, is crucial in a relationship. When we can truly understand what our anxiety is trying to tell us, or what the anxiety is responding to, we can then have the capacity and groundedness to work with it. Psychotherapy either as couples therapy or individual therapy can be a place to understand the anxiety, as well as learn the tools to manage it. It is important to note that your partner is not responsible for regulating your anxiety - that is where self-regulation is non-negotiable. However, it does help to have a partner who can show support, patience and compassion for your anxiety - but they do not have to regulate it for you, and nor should they! You don't want your partner to be your therapist. Autonomy, responsibility and accountability are important qualities in any healthy functional relationship.