Depression: being the depressed partner in a relationship

We don't often talk about what it is like living as the depressed partner, yet it can, without knowing, completely transform a relationship dynamic. It can drift partners or people apart, leave them feeling lost and confused. Depression comes with many mental health challenges, but can also strain our relationships with others.

Let's first understand depression. Depression manifests varyingly for different people. However, here a few ways people have described depression: deep loneliness, chronic and constant anxiety, absence of emotions, numbness, a heavy weight or shadow that follows one around, isolated, persistent emptiness, fatigue, and much more.

Depression is a whole body experience. It isn't just "in your head". It can also manifest as physical symptoms such as aches, slowed movement or digestive (gut) issues. Often this overlap between the emotional and physical health is why depression can often go unrecognised - especially in men, older adults or non-Western, individualistic cultures.

Depression can twist reality, and even if we have supportive people around us, depression can make a person feel cut off or isolated, even though they are surrounded by love and support. A lot of people also describe depression as being on autopilot - "going through the motions" (you may have heard of that) - it becomes all about survival.

A person experiencing depression can lose interest in seeing people and drift away from their close loved ones.

Being depressed and in a relationship. It is not about fixing the depression but about remaining connected and holding hands.

So, how does being the depressed partner impact the relationship?

Depression can be very convincing in making you believe you are a burden, that you are failing your partner. Depression may make you feel that your partner is better off without you. Depression may make you believe that you don't deserve to be loved.

Therefore, all these beliefs, feelings and thoughts may lead you to withdraw from your partner, in order to not be a burden on them. You might shut down communication, avoid intimacy, or self-isolate — reinforcing disconnection. This guilt can stop you from asking for help or receiving support, which in turn deepens the depression.

Your depression can make it hard to express emotions clearly, listen well, or resolve conflict. Misunderstandings can spiral: the non-depressed partner might interpret silence as anger or disinterest, while you as the depressed partner feels unable to explain what’s wrong.

Your partner may take on more responsibility — emotionally, practically, even parentally. This caretaker dynamic can lead to imbalance, burnout, or co-dependency if not addressed openly. The relationship can start to revolve around managing the depression, rather than mutual connection.

Your depression can also lead to a lower sex drive, lower desire for your partner sexually or intimately. That is completely normal. Intimacy might have to give for the duration of your depression.

It is not easy living with depression whilst trying to be in an intimate relationship. But here are a few things to hold on to:

1. You don't have to feel guilty for being unwell. You didn't choose depression, you haven't done anything wrong. You're just having a very difficult time in life, that does not mean you are a bad partner. Make sure you seek help for your depression.

2. Try and let your partner in, even if it is just a bit. You shouldn't feel pressure that you have to disclose everything you feel to them. You could simply tell them "I'm struggling" or "I'm feeling really sad today", and this may initiate a connection, a conversation. Allowing someone to just be beside you, even if nothing is said, but silence, is better than being all alone.

3. Try to speak about the fog, the darkness, rather than the failure. Try and refrain from saying things like "I'm ruining everything" "I'm not enough", try and say "This is hard for me and I'm afraid of what the depression is doing to me and you". By being vulnerable and open about your feelings and struggle, you can invite more connection between yourself and your partner. Shame never heals anything.

What kind of support can you get?

1. Get support. Seek the support you need for the depression. That might be medication, psychotherapy or seeing your GP in the first instance, go and get the help you deserve. You were never meant to do all of this alone. It's not a weakness to ask for help. Asking for help shows that you want more for you, your partner and your relationship.

2. You can seek both individual therapy and couples therapy to help support you and your partner during this challenging journey. It's very easy to believe that you're on opposite sides, but actually you are both facing the same challenge, but it looks and feels different from where each of you stand. Couples therapy can be a safe space to explore what is happening to your relationship without shame or blame. A couples therapist can help you learn how to stay connected even in the darkest times. Remember, couples therapy won't be about fixing the depression but about strengthening the relationship around the depression, so it doesn't consume you or your partner.

3. Stay connected to your friends and family too. Try and not isolate from them. Having a social support network can help you outsource your needs more widely rather than just your partner if you wish to.