Toxic relationships: How easy is it leaving them?

We understand a toxic relationship, or 'dysfunctional relationship', as a relational pattern a person gets stuck in where they or/and their partner consistently engage in harmful behaviours—emotionally, psychologically, or physically—that undermine each other’s well-being and the health of the relationship itself.

How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship? There are some red flags...

Knowing if you're in a toxic relationship often involves recognizing repeated patterns of harm. There is often imbalance, or distress that outweigh the support and connection a healthy relationship should bring.

Emotional and behavioural red flags

We might start finding ourself walking on eggshells around our partner, being afraid of them, resenting them, extreme defensiveness, constant anxiety and stress, criticism, contempt, stonewalling and much more. We might feel very little empathy for our partners, or they towards us.

Critcism/belittling: You might start feeling/thinking that you're not "good enough", "stupid", "unworthy".

Gaslighting: You feel your reality is often denied, twisted or questioned about your memory/judgment.

Control/Manipulation: Who you see, what you do, how you feel is often dictated by your partner.

Eggshells: You're constantly monitoring your words or actions to avoid conflict or emotional outburst.

Disrespect of boundaries: Your emotional, physical, or sexual boundaries are ignored, dismissed, or punished.

Power/Inequality: You might be taking more responsbility for emotional labor, decision-making, or problem-solving. Your partner is always making important decisions without should consider you.

Is it easy to leave a toxic relationship?

Of course it isn't, so don't judge or blame yourself for being in one or struggling with ending/changing it.

First it's helpful to understand how they manifest in the first place.

1. We know from the famous attachment theory that toxic dynamics between people can often reflect the coming together of insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized). One partner might be overly needy/clingy and therefore suffer from the fear of abandonment, whilst the other is distant or very avoidant/dismissive. This can create a 'pursuer-distancer' dynamic loop.

2. We also know a lot about trauma reenactment and family of origin issues. People may unconsciously recreate the unhealthy dynamics from childhood that they are very well versed at. Examples are neglect, emotional unavailability or control. When our traumas are unresolved, we may be reenact them, leading to codependency, emotional manipulation, or enmeshment.

All the above tells us about the phenomenon of familiarity. We go to places, people, dynamics, and spaces/times that feel familiar (yes, even if painful). This is thought to be because this gives us a sense of comfort, a sense of knowing what's next, predictability and certainty. Hence, leaving or wanting to change such dynamics can be so difficult. We fear the unknown, even if it is safer, better and healthier. However, at some point, we must decide to take agency back and change something for ourselves. A toxic relationship tends to erode your psychological safety—the sense that you can express yourself, grow, and feel secure without fear of emotional harm. You don’t have to wait until things get “really bad” to seek help or consider a change.

How can psychotherapy help?

1. Psychotherapy (individual or couples therapy) can help. Therapy helps you name and understand the dynamics, such as gaslighting, codependency or emotional abuse - that might have become normalized. With a couples therapist specifically, they can help you and your partner see the cycle clearly (triggers, reactions, roles) and help you explore the deeper causes behind them.

2. A therapist can help build your self-worth and emotional regulation, as often toxic relationships erode all of this. Therapy can help you reconnect with your values, needs and boundaries, therefore stop you from minimizing your own pain or making excuses for mistreatment.

3. A couples therapist can help you learn to replace toxic patterns with healthier communication, emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and problem-solving. The therapist acts as a neutral mediator to make space for honest (and safe) conversations. Otherwise, if you seek individual therapy, you can develop tools to manage conflict, protect your own well-being, and decide what kind of relationship is worth staying in.

4. Therapy doesn’t push you to stay or leave. Instead, it gives you clarity. You can explore: Is this relationship salvageable? Can it be healthy with change? Or is it time to step away to protect yourself?