Why is Divorce so lonely?

Divorce isn't an easy path, and can be an incredibly isolating and lonely experience for many.

What are the common reasons for divorce?

According to the research, common reasons for divorce are lack of intimacy, infidelity, lack of commitment and simple incompatibility. It can also include perpetual conflict, financial burdens, abuse and addiction.

It is difficult to get a statistic for divorce rates, but estimates range from 42 to 45 percent. A lower likelihood of divorce is linked to factors such as higher education level, marrying at an older age and not having divorced previously.

What happens in a divorce?

In a divorce we are talking about the dissolution of a marriage, that can be seen as a major life event (crisis). It is marked by the loss of an imagined future, loss of dreams and expectations.

Marriage for many people represents many meaningful things. It is a companionship, a partnership. It also represents stability and the future. When such a union has to end there can be a great void left with intense overwhelm and pain.

In addition, there are legal, financial, emotional, practical and parental (if applicable) challenges that demand the time of the two parties, whilst a change in responsibilities.

A key challenging side of a divorce is the sudden shift in social relations and dynamics. A divorce not only affects two people but friends and families too - whom can feel torn between their loyalty for the two individuals. It can be very confusing to know how to provide support and to who. A social circle may also dissolve resulting in the individuals feeling left, and at a time when they are in need of connection the most.

The lonely path in divorce

This brings us to the loneliness of divorce. Divorce is a type of grief and bereavement. It is the ending of something (although the beginning of another thing). This mourning process is complex and grand. Often individuals are faced with a range of feelings such as anger, regret, betrayal, distrust, shame, guilt and loneliness. It can be challenging to express and share this bag of emotions with others, leaving people feeling alone in their grief.

There is a peculiar role of shame in divorce. People can feel like they have failed, that the divorce leaves a mark on their trajectory of life. This shame can further isolate the person, leading them to withdraw and share very little about their process of the divorce and their feelings about it.

In grief, people need to reflect and mourn things. This reflective process about the marriage can be isolating because the person may struggle with knowing how much to share with others, as details about the marital problems can feel personal and vulnerable.

People may encounter a loss in identity too. Often, in a long term relationship/marriage, our identities can be defined by our roles in the marriage, as a husband or wife, as an in-law, as a parent or a friend. Divorce means these roles cease, leaving the person to start shedding all that they were and stood for, and start redefining who they are now out of that union/marriage. A new identity must emerge, but this can take time, and can be very lonely in the process.

With all that being said, I want to emphasise here that a divorce should not be looked at as a problem, but as a solution! A divorce is also a solution to a life of unhappiness and toxicity. The ending of a dysfunctional dynamic. There is no shame about divorce.