Depression & being in a relationship with a depressed partner

Depression comes with many mental health challenges, but can also strain our relationships with others. We don't often talk about what it is like living with a depressed partner, yet it can, without knowing, completely transform a relationship dynamic. It can drift partners or people apart, leave them feeling lost and confused.

Let's first understand depression. Depression manifests varyingly for different people. However, here a few ways people have described depression: deep loneliness, chronic and constant anxiety, absence of emotions, numbness, a heavy weight or shadow that follows one around, isolated, persistent emptiness, fatigue, and much more.

Depression is a whole body experience. It isn't just "in your head". It can also manifest as physical symptoms such as aches, slowed movement or digestive (gut) issues. Often this overlap between the emotional and physical health is why depression can often go unrecognised - especially in men, older adults or non-Western, individualistic cultures.

Depression can twist reality, and even if we have supportive people around us, depression can make a person feel cut off or isolated, even though they are surrounded by love and support. A lot of people also describe depression as being on autopilot - "going through the motions" (you may have heard of that) - it becomes all about survival.

A person experiencing depression can lose interest in seeing people and drift away from their close loved ones.

So, how exactly might depression impact relationships?

Depression does not just impact the person experiencing it, but can change the dynamic and atmosphere of a relationship.

1. People may start walking on eggshells. The non-depressed partner eventually can become afraid of saying the wrong thing, not knowing what to say, start tiptoeing around certain topics.

2. Withdrawal can happen, where one partner starts to pull back emotionally or physically. This can happen because everything that used to feel so effortless start to feel overwhelming.

3. The relationship may suffer from a loss of intimacy. Partners may stop engaging emotionally or physically, and this does not happen out of lack of love, but the bond or connection between the two partners begin to be buried under the weight of the depression.

4.  Misunderstanding and communication issues may start. Conversations start to feel uncomfortable, tense and irritating. Talking, laughing, making plans may start to feel effortful.

Being in love with depression, or with a depressed partner can be a very difficult place. You may still love each other, but having a relationship with one another feels more challenging, and as if you are in two different worlds.

What do I do if my partner is depressed? To see someone that you love experience depression can be a heartbreaking experience. Often, the non-depressed partner feels helpless and confused and left out. It is natural to feel that your support is unnoticed or unappreciated. You may start to also question your role in their life as partner, feel resentful, rejected and even angry. Then guilt might come after all that only to make it worse.

It is not an easy journey, but here are a few things to bear in mind.

1. Remember that depression distorts everything: your partner might appear distant and withdrawn, but their depression doesn't mean they've stopped loving you. Rather, the world is muffled for them at the movement, including movitation, vitality and zest for life.

2. Don't take things personally: remember that it's not about you. You haven't done anything wrong. The withdrawing, low mood and coldness are only symptoms. It is not about you, it is about their experience of depression.

3. Tend to your own well-being and mental health: remind yourself that supporting someone depressed can be emotionally draining. Ensure you are looking after yourself and have space for your own feelings and needs. You will not be able to get that from your partner, so talk to someone, whether a friend, therapist or family member. You can't pour from an empty cup.

4. Ask your partner what they need. Even if they might not know what they need, you can express to them that you are there to support them, but you're struggling with knowing how to. Try and gently probe them to let you know, without any kind of pressure.

   
   

We all need reassurance that things will be OK. It is OK to feel overwhelmed and lost. Seek help. You don't have to do all this on your own, you were never meant to.