How long will we have to be in couples therapy?

One of the commonly asked question about couples therapy is "How long will we have to be in couples therapy?" and this makes complete sense!

It is so natural to be uncertain about the process. Understandably you want to know about the commitment involved including time, effort and cost. Whether that's couples therapy or individual therapy, there is a want to know how long it will take until you see progress.

Let's talk a bit about couples therapy and commitment then..

The length of time couples need to be in therapy depends on several factors.

However, it's first important to distinguish between short-term vs long-term therapy.

• Short-term therapy is typically 6-12 sessions (over 2-3 months), and usually effective for insights and awareness. It can help you as a couple in therapy better understand what the issues in the relationship are about, become aware of your role in co-creating those issues, become aware of your feelings and your partner's feelings. Everything is about awareness.

• Long-term therapy on the other hand goes beyond 3 months up to 6 months and more (over a year). This length of therapy is effective for behavioural changes, actual shifts in cognition, feelings and behaviours. If one wants to see real change, one needs time and commitment and practice of doing differently. It is very unlikely that a short burst of couples therapy will help you with this. Then again, everyone is different and that's where other variables come in.

The type and severity of issues you've come to couples therapy will be a factor.

Communication problems, disagreements about topics such as parenting, finances, career, lifestyle could be worked through within a relatively short time in couples therapy. However, deep chronic issues such as infidelity/affairs, trauma, trust breakdown require longer therapy.

Sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, premature ejaculation, sexual desire n are also issues that can be looked at within a few months - as behavioural techniques and tools can in the first instance equip you in understanding your sexuality and the relationship's sexual vision. However, this can also require longer work if the issues are deep rooted beyond a behavioural dysfunction (instead, emotional and psychological).

The severity and duration of conflict that has lasted for years can take months to reverse and relearn new patterns of relating and communication and doing conflict! Whereas, mild or recent issues could be addressed within a few sessions or weeks.

Your motivation to change also impacts your experience of couples therapy.

The time you will need in therapy will also depend on you, not your therapist. It is about you and your partner's motivation and commitment to change. Where two people are willing to do the work their couples therapist suggests and advises, then they are half way there already. However, indifference and lack of care towards the couples therapy and the relationship may mean you're confronted with a longer time in therapy to address your issues. Commitment and motivation of the couples often progresses things faster. If one or both are resistant to change, or defensive, then progress in the couples therapy may stall altogether.

The length of your relationship could has play a factor in how long you need couples therapy for.

Long-term couples may have more ingrained patterns and unresolved issues that have built resentment. This means we may need longer in the couples therapy work to look through these issues and understand the roots of the presenting issues on the surface.

The frequency of sessions will also impact progress of your couples therapy work.

Weekly couples therapy sessions are recommended for positive therapeutic outcomes and changes - that is what the research shows. Bi-weekly sessions means progress will be much slower, and so you'll find yourselves in therapy for longer than if you were taking sessions every week.

Sometimes, once the couples therapy has formally ended, couples may decided to return for occasional "check-ins" - this is ok to do. However, one will need to ask what that actually means for them? What does a check-in provide for the relationship?

The bottom line is that there is no "no size fits all" timeline here for couples therapy. However the above can give you an idea of what to expect depending on your unique circumstances.

The number of couples therapists in London are growing, so it is important to ensure you also check your therapist's credentials - ensuring that they do have training in relationships. This is always an important question to ask when enquiring a couples therapist for your relationship - not all therapists are couples therapists, and not all couples therapists are psychosexual therapists/sex therapists!