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Sex therapy tips: how to have sex, great sex and passionate sex

Updated: 2 days ago

A good sex therapist will tell you that most of sexual desire disorders or sexual dysfunctions are simply healthy responses to dismal and disappointing sex. Sex is an important part of a relationship or marriage. And in response to the question “How to have good sex”, we need to ask “What kind of sex is worth wanting?”


Many people go to sex therapy or couples therapy because of the lack of sexual desire or sex drive they are experiencing.


But, people don’t just want orgasms. People want good sex, great sex. Research conducted on people from different backgrounds, including every sexual orientation, gender identity, whether kinky, vanilla or monogamous or not, whatever age, health statuses and different body types. Results shows eight elements of good sex, great sex, magnificent sex, transcendental sex.


  1. Being present, focused and embodied. This includes slowing down, letting go of distractions and inhibitions, paying attention to what's happening right now, to the exclusion of everything else.

  2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync. Feeling aligned with your partner was described as essential to extraordinary sex, great sex, hot sex.

  3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. Not just during sex, but the whole relationship, people felt deep mutual respect, genuine acceptance and caring, and a deep and penetrating trust with their partners.

  4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. Extraordinary lovers are also, necessarily, extraordinary communicators, which means they are extraordinarily empathic, tuned in to their partners' inner worlds.

  5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. Extraordinary sex, great sex involves emotional nakedness and a shame-free expression of sexual pleasures and desires, which usually requires going through a process of rejecting the sexual scripts and "shoulds" we're raised with.

  6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. Magnificent sex, passionate sex includes feeling like you're melting into the universe and connecting with the divine in a way that changes you, heals you, and truly makes your life and relationship better. When your daily life requires a lot of boundary setting, your sex life is transformed when you are willing and able to dissolve your boundaries with a trusted partner.

  7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun. This is much like the "ludic factors" - the context of play, curious investigation, discovery, experimentation, creativity, and laughter.

  8.   Vulnerability and surrender. Extraordinary sex, passionate sex is also characterized by profound trust, with nothing held back from partners, where your authentic self is received by someone else as a cherished gift.

Slow Dance by Kerry James Marshall, 1992-93, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

These people’s responses and experiences show that great sex is not about what you do with your partner, nor about which body parts go where or how often, or for how long, but about the sensation of profound trust and connection in your relationship or your marriage.


What was also clear was that desire is not a big part of great sex. “Lust, desire, chemisty, attraction in relationships’ was a minor factor or optimal sex. More common about good sex, happy sex were comfort and naturalness, basic sexual pleasure and most importantly emotional connection, safety and trust with partners.


Couples who have great sex don’t just show up and put their bodies in the bed, they cultivate a safe relationship through a safe context, to dare leaps of faith in their relationship into wild places in their souls. Out-of-the-blue desire has nothing to do with it. Couples who have great sex want to know themselves, they want to know their partners more fully, they say “I want to be seen more fully by my partner” “I want to be known more fully by my partner” “I want to be felt more deeply by my partner” “I want to be held more closely by my partner”. 

Couples who sustain a strong sex life, a strong sexual relationship in their marriage, prioritize sex in their marriage. It’s also normal when you have a new baby, or when you’re caring for a dying parent, or when you’re overwhelmed with work (work stress), that sex falls off the list of priorities. When there isn’t time for sex like there used to be, you can trust and surrender knowing that you will find your way back to each other on the other side, with greater erotic intention and connection.

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