Family issues - enmeshment trauma: family won't respect my boundaries

When we are experiencing challenges with boundaries in our family units, we can start to think about the phenomenon 'Enmeshment trauma'.

What is enmeshment trauma?

Enmeshment trauma (also seen as over-intimacy or excessive closeness) is a type of emotional trauma that is caused by a lack of clear and healthy boundaries in the family environment and dynamics. Over-intimacy/enmeshment can happen when boundaries (typically between a parent and child) are blurred, overly diffused or even nonexistent. This leads to the child being emotionally fused with the parent's needs, wants, feelings or identity.

Whilst such emotional traumas are not always so explicit and obvious like abuse or neglect, it has potential to have a deep, long-lasting impact on identity, autonomy and future relationships.

Enmeshment can happen when parents put children in situations where they are too young to cope with or understand. This form of over-intimacy also happens when parents expose children to emotions that are overwhelming and beyond their level of emotional maturity. Consequently, children face challenges in developing their own sense of self, identity with difficulties to express their own emotions. This all leads to the lack of a healthy sense of individuality (predisposing children to co-dependent relationships, low self-esteem, low confidence, anxiety, depression, self abandonment - to name a few).

This is what we also term a becoming 'parentified' - the child takes on the role of supporting their parent's emotional needs. The child who grows up in an enmeshed family unit tens to feel responsible for their parent's well-being, which leads to unhealthy boundaries.

This ' parentification' places responsibilities on children, leading to feelings of unsafety, overwhelm and anxiety. In short, the child never gets to learn where their parents end and where they begin. So, if you have found yourself thinking 'my family won't respect my boundaries', you might find it worthwhile thinking about the role of enmeshment in your family environment.

What makes enmeshment traumatic?

Enmeshment becomes a traumatic experience when:

• The child feels trapped: they can separate without guilt, fear or punishment

• The child's authenticity is suppressed in order to please or look after the parent

• The child grows up with a confused and discombobulated sense of identity - inability to know where they end and others begin

Trauma is not always a single event - it is also a chronic relational wound.

Enmeshed families struggle with boundaries and identities.

What are the signs of enmeshment trauma?

Whilst enmeshment trauma can manifest differently for different people, we can still look for some common signs of it:

• Lack/absence of privacy (both physical and emotional)

• Parents over-sharing personal issues with their child

• Parents looking for emotional support from their child

• Family members pressuring the child to do what they believe is best, not what the child desires/wants/needs as an individual of their own

• Confusion about identity, who you are, what you can do, what you are capable of, your confidence in your ability to exist/function outside your family unit (struggles with independence and decision making)

• Conflict-avoidant (avoidant attachment)

• Feelings of guilt for saying no

• Putting others' needs before your own

As an adult, you may also find yourself repeatedly in romantic relationships that are intensely fused or codependent. Or you might have already found yourself in a co-dependent relationship with your partner - couples therapy can be an avenue to explore this further.

To conclude...

Enmeshment trauma is essentially the loss of emotional autonomy in childhood. It is caused by the unmet emotional needs of the parent, that get projected onto the child. Enmeshment is also a common family issue people seek therapy/support for. Family therapy, couples therapy or individual therapy can be helpful resources.

You can heal from this as an adult. Healing will be about reclaiming your sense of self, autonomy, asserting your boundaries, learning about what you like, what you don't like, what you need. To be in a relationship with someone does not require self-abandonment.

Psychotherapy can help you with this. There are plenty of therapists in london or online who can help you with this. It is important to choose a therapist who is knowledgable about enmeshment trauma, systemic family relations, attachment theory. It is not easy, but you are worth the work. Your authentic self is worth your attention.