What is Gaslighting & the signs to look for?

Gaslighting is a term that is (too) often used on social media platforms. Not everything is worthy of the label 'gaslighting', so we have to be careful when we use this term. Particularly as TV or Netflix shows such as 'Love Island', 'Too Hot to Handle', 'Perfect Match' and 'Love is Blind' have become increasingly popular, we can conclude false understandings about gaslighting.

What is GASLIGHTING?

To put simply, gaslighting is form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you doubt you your own experience, perception or memory of an event. Gaslighting can be incredibly subtle and sly, and over time it has the power to erode your confidence in your own reality. This can lead to feelings of confusion, anxiety or co-dependency on the person who is gaslighting you. We can also say it is a form of emotional abuse if it becomes chronic and repeated.

People who gaslight are not simply seen as 'liars', but people who cleverly make you question yourself that you begin to rely on the gaslighter to tell you what is real.

Gaslighting is an undermining of a person's reality. It is a psychological tactic used to gain power and control, creating a perpetrator-victim dynamic. In dysfunctional and toxic romantic relationships this dynamic is common, where the victim becomes dependent on their abuser and doubts their own judgment. It erodes a sense of self, ability to identify and trust one's own feelings, memories and judgments.

What are the signs of Gaslighting?

🚩 Gaslighting Tactics:

• “That never happened — you’re imagining it.”

• “You’re too sensitive / overreacting.”

• “You’re remembering it wrong.”

• “You always make things up to start drama.”

• Twisting facts to make you the problem.

What does it feel to be gaslit?

• Constantly second-guessing yourself

• Feeling confused after conversations

• Apologizing even when you're not sure what you did wrong

• Thinking, “Maybe I am the crazy one”

• Feeling like you can't trust your own thoughts or emotions

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to undermine one's reality.

Do Gaslighters know they're Gaslighting?

It is not as simple as saying gaslighting is an intentional form of manipulation.

Sometimes it is intentional and conscious, sometimes it's not.

When is gaslighting deliberate manipulation?

Gaslighters can be fully aware of what they are doing when they undermine your reality. They use this manipulative tactic to control, avoid accountability or manipulate outcomes in their favour. Here are some examples:

• A romantic partner lies about an infidelity then insists their partner is paranoid

• A boss denies saying something and then accuses you of incompetence

• An abuser who intentionally distorts reality to isolate or dominate you

Many people gaslight because they were never shown how to deal with shame, conflict, or emotional truth.

When is gaslighting unconscious manipulation?

Unconscious gaslighters are often acting with defensiveness or as learned behaviour. They may be afraid to tell the truth, in fear of the consequences if they were to admit to it. Here are some examples of how gaslighting can be unconscious:

• Defending against shame or guilt ("I cannot possibly admit or accept the reality that I hurt you, so I'll even convince myself that you're wrong")

• Repeating what they saw growing up in their family environment ("My parents knew very well to rewrite events - now I do it without even thinking")

• Afraid of being the bad guy, or in the wrong ("I'm scared of doing wrong, making mistakes so I need to protect my image")

So when people gaslight without knowing, they are often reacting from defensiveness and automated behaviours. However, even thought this is not malicious, if it becomes a pattern it can be very harmful for the people around them.

Is this an issue that can be brought to therapy?

Of course. Psychotherapy, whether individual therapy or couples therapy can help in many ways to understand and heal the experience of gaslighting or being gaslit.

A therapist can help the person experiencing gaslighting by:

• Clarifying what's really happening vs what you're being told

• Strengthens your trust in your own perceptions

• Help you name the behaviour, even when the gaslighter denies it

• Support and encourage with setting boundaries and limits, or even leaving toxic dynamics

A therapist can help the person gaslighting (only if they're willing to look honestly at themselves) by:

• Understanding why they use these behaviors

• Learn healthier ways to relate to others

• Take responsibility without falling apart or lashing out

There are many therapists in London that can help you with healing from this. Psychotherapy can help with transformation and self-discovery — only if one is truly ready to take responsibility and do the deep work.