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What is good sex?

Sex should be good, and what society deems 'good' is very misconstrued.

Let's take a look at a few things of how we ought to reframe good sex.

  • You have good sex if you feel good about yourself, good about your partner, good about what you're doing, and good after you've done what you've done

  • Sex is not just genitals, it is relational; coercion and deceit have no role in good sex

  • What is between your ears is as important as what is between your legs

  • There are options, we can choose from a range of ways to express sexual feelings, that are not limited to just foreplay-followed-by-intercourse routine

  • Sex needs to be enjoyable; the goal is pleasure, never performance or obligation

  • Sex is a place where you should have permission to be yourself and get what you want and need - you have that right!

  • Sex is not just about using a particular organ, act or script, but about the emotions generated by whatever you or your partner do

  • Sex can take from a few seconds to several hours

Let us also break some myths here:

  • We do not have to be equally excited or derive equal pleasure as our partners every time. It can be that one partner is more excited and gets more out of it than the other - there is nothing wrong with that

  • Sex does not have to be reciprocal all the time. Sometimes, we as the partner, can sit back and enjoy. This can equally be a loving and caring experience. What is wrong in getting pleasure from giving pleasure to our partner? Actually, sometimes the problem with the reciprocal model is that our attention is split - one moment we are focused on stimulation we are receiving, the next minute we focus on the stimulation we are giving. But to not be able to focus on your own pleasure for too long can be unhelpful. There are many benefits in taking turns in sex, where the receive can receive and focus on pleasure only, without being preoccupied with giving in return. This helps with mindfulness and concentration on sensations and feelings.

  • It is okay to express anger through sex - given that this does not happen all the time, that it is okay with both partners, and that it doesn't turn into violence. Remember, sex has to be consensual! Anger is a strong emotion and can be used to enhance one's sex life - that's why people enjoy angry sex!

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